Bill Gates Humor


"640K ought to be enough memory for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981




Let's see if I understand how America works lately...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

( Thanks to Ted Townsend for that one)




Windows messages that were considered for Windows 2000

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.




A new take on hard boot!

    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"

( Thanks to Beth Ann Mitchell for that one)





Plane Crash

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.

They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: "What do you believe?"

Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."

God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."

God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what to you believe?"

Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."




Another Plane Crash

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, Pop -- there's actually two parachutes left. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."




Bill Gates commenting on "Why The Chicken Crossed The Road"

    We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.




One-Liners/Shorties

  • If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does!
  • World's Shortest Book - THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
  • Most Ironic Death: Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window.



The Passing of Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Or you can change the punchline to:

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95." (fill in the appropriate Windoze version!!)

Still another punchline:

"Oh," God said, "That was the screen saver".




Three Keys

    Bill Gates passes this mortal life and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell.

    Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

    Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.

    To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

    Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

    "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door, and swallows the key.

    As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

    "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan, "the bottle has a hole in it and the girl is just an illusion!"

    "What about the PC?"

    "It's got Windows 2000," laughed Satan, "and it's missing three keys!"

    "Which three?"

    "Control, Alt and Delete."




The End Of The World

Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return. So, he called Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates up to heaven. He informed them of His decision and told them to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.

Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse, God has decided to destroy the world. and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of US citizens believing that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. The bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world, and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has great news and even better news. God, by calling him to heaven along with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has confirmed just how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.

Or try it with this punchline.....

The even better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95 (or fill in product name/number)."

A similar one.....

The even better news is that I finally found a fix for the Windows 2000 (or fill in product name/number) bug ."




Buddy Can You Loan Me A Dime?

Something to put things into perspective. Make sure you read the last line....

  • Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

  • Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

  • Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

  • If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

  • If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

  • He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

  • He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

  • If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

  • If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

  • He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

  • He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

  • Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

  • If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

  • He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

  • He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

  • While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

  • Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

  • And something to cheer you up after all of this. . . Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.




Microsoft and General Motors

    Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

    The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

    In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"

    And . . .

    1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

    3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

    4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "CarME", "Car2000" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

    7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

    12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

    14. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.




The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary

    11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

    10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows-yet.

    9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

    8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

    7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

    6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

    5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

    4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

    3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

    2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

    ..........and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary

    1. Seventh day: rested.




Toddler Property Laws

    1. If I like it, it's mine.

    2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

    3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

    4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

    5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

    6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

    7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

    8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

    9. If I. . .

    Oops! I'm sorry; I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws,

    I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.




The Gates Mansion

Building officials from a dozen local municipalities toured Bill and Melinda Gates' house before they moved in. Below are the comments from one of the officials.

  • Currently 300 workers including 104 electricians.

  • No visible electrical outlets anywhere. Gates does not like "clutter".

  • Construction likely complete in September 1997, 3 months behind owner's schedule.

  • 112 steps from the main floor to the main entry (or take the elevator).

  • Wood columns from main floor to roof in entry area are over 70 feet long.

  • Theme throughout main floor is high tech lodge. Primary structure is all exposed similar to large logs in a lodge except the logs are PERFECTLY finished.

  • All timbers used inside and out are finished the same - 3 inches have been removed from the exterior of the wood and then sanded to a satin finish.

  • All timbers are nearly perfect in that there are almost no knots.

  • All connectors are structural grade stainless steel.

  • All bolts throughout the house are stainless steel and oriented the same direction.

  • All woodwork is flawless. Much of the woodwork is of various rare species from all over the world - imported especially for the Gates'.

  • Some of the interior passage doors weigh over 800 lbs, but are balanced for easy use.

  • Accoustics are a concern throughout. Various woods and fabrics are being used. Accoustic panels in the Ballroom move out of sight on their own.

  • Roofing is stainless steel.

  • Floor is heated everywhere including the driveway and walks.

  • Ventilation system also conditions the air for health and comfort.

  • Security system (automated and personnel) is redundant. Hidden cameras everywhere including interior stone walls. Sensors in the floor can track a person to within 6 inches. System is monitored at the Microsoft campus.

  • Gates has a personal 4-car garage. House for the maintenance staff has its own 3-car garage. Nanny parks in the 6-car carport across from the main entry. An additional 10-cars can be parked in a subterranean arched concrete building which through an electronic transformation becomes a basketball court.

  • Nanny lives in plush quarters in the main residence near to the Gates' bedroom.

  • Existing cedar tree was determined by Gates to be in the wrong location and moved 6 inches.

  • Gates insisted on saving a 140 year old maple adjacent to the driveway. The tree is monitored electronically 24 hours per day via computer. If it seems dry, it gets just the right amount of water automatically delivered.

  • There will be an 18 hole putting range. A salmon hatchery is being finished.

  • If you wish, your music will follow you throughout the house - even at the bottom of the pool.

  • Many doors are blended so well with the walls that it is hard to see them.

  • Theatre (underground in a concrete shell) is the most state of the art theatre in the world according to specialty contractor.

  • Entry gate senses when your car approaches and opens fully by the time you arrive.

  • Very old antique cabinets from China have been brought in and built into the walls with adjacent paneling built to match the cabinets exactly.

  • 52 miles of communication cable in the building.

  • Shower curtain next to the spa is a 4500 lb slab of granite.

  • Melinda has 42 linear feet of clothes hanging space in her closet operated like a dry cleaner's rack.

  • Master bathtub can be filled to the right temperature and depth by Gates as he drives home from work.

  • Only two guest bedrooms.

  • There is a 28 foot high cantilever retaining wall.

  • Reinforcing steel in all concrete is four times the code minimum. No. 18 steel wrapped with no. 5 ties was common for simple columns.

  • There is a loading bay within the building.

  • All work is virtually flawless.

  • An interior designer disagreed with the layout of a portion of the home. Demolition resulted and 160 cubic yards of cured, cast-in-place concrete was removed.

  • All building officials were suffering "sensory overload" shortly after the 3- hour tour started.




More on the Mansion

    Ok, so Bill Gates is moving into his new house. But all is not well, as we find out...

    Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

    Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

    Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

    Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

    Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

    Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

    Bill: "Stacker?"

    Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

    Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

    Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

    Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

    Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

    Bill: "You're kidding!?"

    Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

    Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

    Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

    Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

    Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."

    Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

    Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

    Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

    Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."




The Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates's New Mansion

15. Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft' strictly prohibited while in bedroom."

14. No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.

13. Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.

12. Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.

11. Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.

10. No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.

9. Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile.

8. Zima on tap.

7. Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.

6. Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.

5. Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.

4. Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.

3. Everywhere you look -- Women!

2. With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?"

      .................and the Number 1 Surprise in Bill Gates's New Mansion...

1. Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute...

     that's no replica!!


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