Hard To Believe


Drivers Education Exam Answers

    The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.



Crime Doesn't Pay
But It Sure Can Be Entertaining!!!

    Criminal Intelligence??? If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience. These true stories were gleaned from police records across the country....

License to Steal.

    Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

In the Bag.

    A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Made for TV.

    Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

Do You Accept Credit Cards?

    A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

You Mean Me?

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



A Day In Court

    They say every criminal will get his day in court. Let's hope each day is as entertaining as these real-life examples were:

Deadheads.

    A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

This Would Be Me.

    The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

Learn Your Lesson.

    When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Ahh, That's Better.

    A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

Up In Arms.

    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

    "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.



Insurance Claims

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetent writing may be highly entertaining:



Actual Medical Quotes

    The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.



HMO Humor

    From *Public Citizen Research Group Health Letter* as quoted in the July *Prairie Rambler*



Who Says You Have To Be Smart
To Be A Lawyer?

Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch.



Letters To Welfare

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Departmentin applications for support of receiving payments.


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