Drivers Education Exam Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Crime Doesn't Pay
But It Sure Can Be Entertaining!!!
Criminal Intelligence??? If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience. These true stories were gleaned from police records across the country....
License to Steal.
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
In the Bag.
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Made for TV.
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
Do You Accept Credit Cards?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more
You Mean Me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A Day In Court
They say every criminal will get his day in court. Let's hope each day is as entertaining as these real-life examples were:
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled
that passengers must be alive to qualify.
This Would Be Me.
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come
forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
Learn Your Lesson.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,"
he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Ahh, That's Better.
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
Up In Arms.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed
a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetent writing may be highly entertaining:
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.
- In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obsuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
- I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..
Actual Medical Quotes
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
From *Public Citizen Research Group Health Letter* as quoted in the July *Prairie Rambler*
Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.
Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A - No. Only those you need.
Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unforutnately we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.
Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait till you return and then get sick.
Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists s/he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 copayment, there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?
Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Who Says You Have To Be Smart
To Be A Lawyer?
Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch.
- Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
- Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
- Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
- Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
- The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
- Were you alone or by yourself?
- How long have you been a French Canadian?
- Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
- Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
- Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
- Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
- Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
- Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
- Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marriage status?
- Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
- Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas.
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
- Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
- Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
- So you were gone until you returned?
- Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
- You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
- Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
- Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
- A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
- Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
- Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
- Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
- Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
- THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
- Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
- Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
- Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Q. How old are you?
- Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
- Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
- Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
- Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
- Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
- And finally, in a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened, according to the district attorney's office in Alameda County, Calif.
ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Letters To Welfare
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Departmentin applications for support of
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.
- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
- Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.