There was a Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
What does it mean?
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank You.
What does an overweight ballerina wear?
The prisoner was on trial for auto theft. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment slowly, then asked, "Are you guilty or not guilty ?"
The culprit looked the man straight in the eye and replied, "Well, ain't that exactly the thing we come here to find out ?"
The Pope At The Wheel
During the Pope's last visit to the states he told his driver that he couldn't remember the last time he had driven a car. After some time, the driver told the Pope that he could drive the car. A few miles down the road the car was stopped for speeding. When the officer realized who he had pulled over he instantly called in to speak with his captain. He said "sir I have just pulled someone over and he is very important, what do I do?"
The captain replied "you have pulled over the mayor again havn't you. You idiot let him go."
"No sir, he is higher up than the mayor."
"It's the governor isn't it. You are such an idiot, say you're sorry and let him go."
"No sir, he is higher up than the governor."
"What, you mean to tell me you have stopped the president, what in the (bleep) do you think you are trying to prove?"
"No sir, he is higher up than the president."
"Higher than the president, who could it possibly be?"
"I don't know sir but he has the Pope driving."
Trying to Remember
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest phychological techiniques- visulization and association -it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
I play the home version of the lottery. I take a dollar bill and flush it down the toilet.
I want to be buried at Perimeter Mall so my wife and daughter can visit me daily.
Junior Knows Best
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. Manager Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Manager Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
Men And Their Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass for the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by
a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
The Last Wish
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
What Do You Really Mean?
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and"
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Q.- What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon?
A.- God doesn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room? It was cordless!
Top 15 List
The Top 15 Signs An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
15. Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
14. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
13. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.
12. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.
11. Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.
10. His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
9. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.
8. Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.
7. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
6. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
5. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
4. According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
3. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
2. Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."
and the Number 1 Sign An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance...
1. Forget Nike and Reebok -- he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
Comparing Prison To Work
- In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
- In prison, you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
- In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
- In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
- In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
- In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work, you are just ball-and-chained.
- In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.
- In prison, all expenses are paid for by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
- In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
- In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
- In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
Once A Banker....
A banker was told by his doctor to quit his job and get a less stressful one. So, after 25 years as a banker, he found himself pumping gas. The first morning he opened for business, a customer drove in and asked for ten gallons of gasoline.
"Where are you going?" the former banker asked.
"To Chicago and back," was the reply.
The banker looked at the man and said sternly, "Don't you think you can make it on five gallons?"
We had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that read:
I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN
IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING
TRY AND KEEP UP!
A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizeable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle.
A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yds and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling.
After a half dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."
Since I work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the NASA site that flies Voyager, and not Los Alamos (GRRRR!), I had lunch one day with
Peterson Zha, then President of the Navajo Nation. He told us the story and to make sure it's told properly I'll tell it again as it was told.
"About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo
Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
"Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
"The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his
son to translate. His son would not.
"Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message, 'Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.'"
New English Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility).
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as
The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer combinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be nomor trubls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer
... ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?