Thoughts on Love & Marriage
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Sometimes women are so interested & amazed at their husbands' joy and happiness they hire private detectives to find out the reason for it.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, Pack your bags. I've won the lottery The wife excitedly asks, Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather? He says, Pack'em all, you're leaving.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, It really works.
Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone know why. When a ten-year married couple smile, everyone wonders why.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get you laundry done free.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute..
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: " You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?-- A widow
If a man speaks in the forest and a woman is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Kissing may be the language of love but money still does the talking.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
A woman is complaining long and loud to her husband that he never takes her anywhere. She concluded with: "What would it take for you to go on a second honeymoon?"
He replied, "A second wife !"
There Was This Man.....
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
There was this man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I
got married.... and then it was too late!"
The Lighter Side Of Marriage
- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
- Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
- Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
- Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
- Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, The Suffe-Ring, The Endu-Ring.
- It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
- Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Mother In Law Humor
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man: "Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law." "Yes, I know... that's why I'm crying."
Two neighbours were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law." The other asked, "Did you put it to sleep?" "No, of course not," said the first, "I had its teeth sharpened."
Man: I just got back from a real pleasure trip.
Friend: Where did you go?
Man: I took my mother-in-law to the airport!!!
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man, "Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Father & Son
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!