Printed Humor

Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by actual journalists)

  1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

  2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

  3. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

  4. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

  5. Farmer Bill Dies in House

  6. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

  7. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

  8. Stud Tires Out

  9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

  10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

  11. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

  12. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

  13. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

  14. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

  15. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

  16. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

  17. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

  18. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

  19. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

  20. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

  21. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  22. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

  23. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

  24. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

  25. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  26. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

  27. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

  28. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

  29. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

  30. Eye Drops off Shelf

  31. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

  32. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

  33. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

  34. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

  35. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

  36. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

  37. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

  38. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

  39. War Dims Hope for Peace

  40. Deer Kill 17,000

  41. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

  42. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

  43. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

  44. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

  45. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

  46. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

  47. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

  48. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

  49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

  50. Air Head Fired

  51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

  52. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

  53. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

  54. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

  55. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

  56. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Actual Signs Seen Across The Good Ol' U.S.A.

  • At gas eterias (what?) through the nation: Eat here and get gas.

  • At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

  • In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.

  • In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

  • On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

  • In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

  • In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy

  • On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.

  • In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

  • In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

  • In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

  • On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

  • On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

  • At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

  • On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

  • In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

  • In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

  • On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

  • Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

  • On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19.

  • In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end

  • In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

  • In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

  • In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

  • In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters.

  • On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

  • On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!

  • In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

  • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

  • On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

  • On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission.

  • In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

  • On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

  • Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

  • And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."

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