Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by actual journalists)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
War Dims Hope for Peace
Deer Kill 17,000
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Actual Signs Seen Across The Good Ol' U.S.A.
At gas eterias (what?) through the nation: Eat here and get gas.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the
full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy
On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19.
In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."
Visitors Since May 29, 1997